Will Self

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More dossier spin won’t hide Brown’s Iraq shame

March 6, 2008

John Williams, the then press secretary at the Foreign Office, wrote the “first draft” of the so-called “dodgy dossier” on Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction. Now, after concerted campaigning, the Government has finally released this “first draft” only for David Miliband, the Foreign Secretary, to say that it’s nothing of the sort.

Williams’s draft doesn’t have the key stuff about Saddam Hussein being able to target Britain in 45 minutes, or the long-since discredited cobblers about uranium being sourced from West Africa, but it does paint up a picture of an aggressive state with a capability for nuclear, chemical and biological weapons. Is Miliband’s bizarre statement that this was not the basis for the later dossier meant to suggest that more information will somehow come to light showing there was sound intelligence for these claims? It hardly seems likely.

Williams says he was approached to write it in August 2002. But he was hardly working from scratch: a dossier compiled to put the case for going to war with Iraq was reported to be going the rounds as early as March of that year. It was being booted back and forth from the Cabinet Office, to the Joint Intelligence Committee to the Foreign Office, and no one was very happy with it. But even those of us who only watched TV footage of Hans Blix’s UN Weapons Inspectorate blundering about in the Iraqi desert could see there was unlikely to be any stockpile of inter-continental ballistic missiles.

Still, who cares about the Williamses and for that matter, the Campbells of this world? They were just the little people who greased the wheels of the juggernaut that has crushed hundreds of thousands of people to death.

No, the more grotesque spectacle is that now afforded by the current Foreign Secretary, who goes on robustly defending a policy that isn’t working, hasn’t worked and never could have.

In his sleek suits and smooth dark plumage, Miliband looks like a vulture feeding on the neo-cons’ bloated corpse. Where others see Afghanistan as a failed state, the Panglossian Foreign Secretary sees a burgeoning democracy. In a speech last week to honour Aung San Suu Kyi, there was Miliband, searching for a way to distance himself from realpolitik, while still robustly countenancing military support for what he describes in a chilling echo of the current US policy in Iraq as the “civilian surge”.

This refusal to face up to the human cost of the Iraq war, and to the lies and evasions that justified the invasion, represents the moral rot at the core of Gordon Brown’s government. Brown, notoriously, cannot bear to do anything unless he knows what the consequences will be, and so he directs his foreign policy puppet to carry on mugging, as this end-of-the-pier show staggers towards its bitter end.

***

The history of modern folly isn’t set in stone but painted in water – mineral water, to be precise. We are now spending more than £2 billion a year on the stuff, and voices are being raised that this is morally unacceptable, especially given that some of the countries where the stuff is sourced – Fiji, for example – don’t have enough potable water for their own population. Not only that, but all tests establish that bottled is no better, healthier or tastier than tap.

But it was a financial adviser I had lunch with in the Eighties who first alerted me to how Badoit the water racket really was.

When the poor waiter poured him a glass of sparkling from a freshly cracked bottle, this fellow plucked one of the ice cubes out and said derisively: “I suppose you’re going to tell me you made this out of mineral water as well.” Undiluted wisdom.

***

To the Royal Festival Hall for the last in Daniel Barenboim’s sublime Beethoven piano sonata series. Before the stumpy virtuoso came on stage, a dapper man in his fifties sat beside me and began chatting. “The amazing thing about Barenboim, Will, is he can remember, note-perfect, every single piece he learned before the age of 28.” Meanwhile, I racked my tone-deaf brains to remember who this affable chap was. Eventually, I traced him back to the fiction department of Hatchards, where he is manager.

I would’ve cried “Bingo!” at this point, were it not for the fact that the entire audience had fallen silent in anticipation of a rather superior act of mnemonics. But while to remember the sonatas is one thing, to modulate them exquisitely and theatrically in live performance as Barenboim did is quite another. I would’ve taken my hat off to him, if I hadn’t left it somewhere..

***

Oon sunday I took the youngest member of the family to see a medical practitioner. He’d had a sick bug for a couple of days and I was worried because he wouldn’t drink any water. The surgery was open and I didn’t have to wait.

The medic examined him thoroughly, X-rayed his stomach, then prescribed three sets of medication, demonstrating how to give them. There was nothing high-handed or patronising in his manner.

Granted, the patient was a seven-month-old puppy, but there have to be some lessons here for the NHS – after all, a society that treats its pets better than its people has to be barking mad.

19.02.08

Our intimacy with rats

March 6, 2008

At the time of writing, the fishing trawler Spinningdale is still caught on the rocks near to Village Bay, the only landfall on the Hebridean island of St Kilda. The National Trust of Scotland, which owns the island, has launched an “emergency procedure” to deal with the consequences of the shipwreck: baiting traps. Yes, you read me right: baiting traps. The 14-strong Spanish crew were speedily rescued from the stricken vessel, which ran aground during the storms on February 2, but there’s considerable anxiety that some of the Spinningdale’s probable stowaways may get ashore, and if even one pregnant Rattus norvegicus does take the plunge successfully, the outlook for St Kilda’s half million seabirds is pretty grim.

In theory, an incestuous ratty mummy and daddy can produce as many as 15,000 living descendants within a year. And on St Kilda, these frantic gnawers will have a veritable smorgasbord laid out for them on the springy turf – albeit one heavy on the raw egg. For the St Kildan petrels, fulmars, puffins and guillemots have no resident predators, the only native mammal being a subspecies of mouse. As Susan Bain, the trust’s manager affectingly put it, after four bad breeding seasons, the birds “really don’t need another stress”.

Of course, there is an irony cruising even these remote waters, 50 miles due west from the Isle of Lewis. St Kilda supported a human population from the Neolithic era until the 1930s, when the final remnant were evacuated to the Scots mainland at their own request. The St Kildans, unmolested by rats, lived in a strange and communistic Arcadia, where, for generation after generation, they harvested the seabirds from the island’s spectacular cliffs. So, as one land-based predator has quit St Kilda, now, after a 70-year moratorium, another one may be about to pitch up.

That Rattus norvegicus is itself parasitic on human populations adds another twist to the double spiralling of eco and system. I well recall, somewhere in the feverish slumber of a childhood illness, listening to an apocalyptic piece of afternoon theatre on Radio 4. In this play, a mad multi-millionaire fearing the coming Armageddon, retreated to a nuclear shelter on his private island, only to discover that he had brought rats with him, and that they were intent on devouring his carefully selected breeding pairs of humans.

Rats, islands, humans. In Konrad Lorenz’s masterly book On Aggression, the maverick ethologist writes of a Danish island where two rival “tribes” of brown rats had fought themselves to a standstill, occupying exact halves of the available territory, complete with a “front line” of burrows and runs. The possible fate of St Kilda is further illustrated by the incursion of rats to the even more distant Campbell Island, a New Zealand possession near the Antarctic Circle. Brought by 19th-century whalers, the little bastards did for all the native bird-life, including a rare flightless teal. In 2002, the Kiwis struck back, sending 120 tons of rat poison to the island, and killing an estimated 200,000.

The 200,000 figure is interesting, because 250,000 was the number of rats estimated to live in New York in 1949 by the charmingly named Dave Davis, who dedicated his life to their demography. Davis was intent, in part, on debunking the – in his view – preposterous, and oft-quoted, “statistic” that there was one rat per person in urban environments. This shibboleth – which in our own day has morphed into the often stated “you’re never more than 10 feet away from a rat” – in fact derives from a 1909 English study, The Rat Problem by WR Boelter. Boelter based it on the “reasonable assumption” that there was one rat per cultivated acre – he thought it absurd to factor in urban environments.

Forty million acres – 40 million rats and coincidentally 40 million people, a nice parity, and ever since, the idea that we all have a toothy little doppelganger has gnawed away at us relentlessly. The intimacy with rats implied by saying that you’re never more than 10 feet away from one is a kind of Mockney machismo: a tough-guy act in the pointy face of a creature certainly less prevalent – because constantly poisoned – and definitely wholly unaware of our bravado.

Which leads us, messily enough, to Ralph Steadman, who baited me with this rat [see the Independent February 16 2008 issue], together with the following observations: “It’s a picture of rampant hope beneath the boards … and if you’re asking, yes, the rat came from under the boards of the lounge, and had practically fossilised in the balletic pose as though it were defiant in death. It probably died in 1887 when the Old Loose Court was restored. I imagine the house surrounded by hop fields and begging peasants who would empty your cesspit with a shovel and wheelbarrow for sixpence and a clout round the ear. Now look at us! Consumed by living greed and cargos of rats …”

No man is an island – but Ralph gets close.

16.02.08

At the Gates of SpaceTime

February 13, 2008

You could’ve knocked me down with a semi-transparent pop-up ident of a feather when I got an email from Bill Gates. To begin with I thought the scrambled syntax, banjaxed grammar, and dubious content was yet another spammer: “C’mon Big Boy see my lake glistens 4 U. All Xs pays bi me if U cum kwik.” But later I was called by an assistant who informed me that the multi-billionaire software tycoon wasn’t trying to sell me Viagra, but rather wanted me and Ralph Steadman to join him at his $97m lakeside eco-mansion for what Gates terms a “Think Week”.

“It’ll be blue-sky stuff,” the MicroWonk said. “How you and Ralph view the future of space – and time – that kinda thing.”

“I’ll tell you that for nothing,” I snapped. “Time will go on, space will get bigger.”

“That’s great, just great.” The WindowsWimp was not to be dissuaded. “First-class tickets to Seattle will be delivered by courier later today.”

“But what if I don’t want to come?” I became querulous.

“Try Viagra,” the MiniMonopolist said and hung up on me.

The trouble was that Ralph adores a freebie of this kind, and even though he was just back from Davos, where he’d been advising the head of the World Bank on corporate re-imaging, he insisted on going. Well, I couldn’t let him set out alone – Ralph may be brilliant at taking a line for a walk, but off the page he lacks basic orientation skills.

Arriving at the serried concrete bobbins of Sea-Tac airport on a brilliant winter’s morning, I couldn’t face climbing into a cab. Instead, I put Ralph in one and told him to break the ice over at Bill’s place, while I stretched my legs. “For Christ’s sake, Will,” Ralph bridled, “what am I going to talk to him about?”

“You both dig Da Vinci – ask to see his Leonardo stuff. He has the Codex Leicester, cast your eye over it, then get out your pen and begin flicking ink – I’m sure he’ll see the funny side.”

I slogged through the suburb of McMicken Heights and Crystal Springs Park, down to the deliriously named Interurban Avenue. Picking up the Green River Trail I trod on beside the rows of poplars screening off the Boeing Plant. The Pacific North West always invigorates me, with its soft, temperate climate and its boundless woodiness. All those trees, photosynthesising like Billy-o – it’s a tonic to the air sacks.

The long tramp into town on 4th Avenue would’ve been dull, but I had work to do. Bill had set up a SharePoint website for the three of us, where we could post sketches, notes, and supplementary information relating to the space/time think week. I had my Tablet PC with me, so using invaluable OneNote and OneWord software I was able to post stuff as I went, such as musings on Bill’s brilliant coinage “Creative Capitalism”, and how it might possibly relate to the man walking ahead of me, pushing a supermarket cart piled with old tin cans and festooned with plastic bags, who couldn’t seem to keep his trousers up.

Past the Qwest Field and on into downtown as darkness was falling, and if it hadn’t been for the unearthly up-light of the computer screen, making of me an ambulatory ghoul, I’m sure some of the shambling homeless might’ve clubbed together to mug me. As it was, I took Madison Street to Washington Park then the long, scuzzy tongue of the Evergreen Point Floating Bridge across Lake Washington to the lakeside community of Medina.

It had been a 25-mile walk, and it was now past midnight. I was cold, hungry, and thought the very least I could expect from a man with a net personal worth of $56bn was a cheese toastie and a cup of tea – but not a bit of it. The familiar goofy boy scout’s visage peered through the security louvres, then Gates admitted me to a nerdish bedlam: piles of old Marvel comics and empty Yakult cartons were scattered everywhere, an Atari games console was pinging in the sink. Ralph was in the conversation pit, making paper darts out of pages from the Codex, and I don’t think he can possibly object if I tell you, gentle reader, that he was a little tipsy.

“You tossers!” I cried. “While you’ve been behaving like overgrown teenagers, I’ve been sorting out the whole space-time continuum.”

“Gee,” Bill said. “I’m sorry – I guess. Melinda’s vacationing at the moment, and I kinda let things go. Please tell me your thoughts – I’m sure they’re real inneresting.”

“The shift key – get rid of it!”

“But why?”

“So no one will ever again, anywhere in the world be able to conceive of typing the words ‘SharePoint’ or ‘OneNote’.”

“Or SpaceTime!” Ralph yelled from the pit.

09.02.08

Sleepy Ribena dreams

February 13, 2008

… You take my impotence for example. Up until a few years ago, the old todger was as big as a bloody battering ram: I used to fear my erections. Since then, well, I blame Nigerian traffic wardens. They come over here, can’t speak the lingo and strut about the place slapping tickets on anything that moves – it’s intimidating.

I was coming out of the Cross Keys in Wilmslow and there was one of the bastards skulking under the moot hall having plastered a big yellow sticky one right across the Range Rover’s windscreen. Well, I went to have it out with the blackguard – I wasn’t about to be intimidated! I fought in eight world wars and put down the bloody Mau-Mau, man, armed only with a Martini-Henry! Anyway, to begin with he’s cringing and scraping, but then he pulls some ghastly little fetish out of his tunic. Looks like a cat’s paw wrapped in a hairball all tied round with kidney stones – fair gave me the willies, ha! If you’ll forgive the pun – or rather, anti-pun – because it didn’t give me the willies, it took mine away! Ever since I gave that illegal immigrant chappie a rollicking I haven’t even caught sight of poor John Thomas, seems he’s completely hidden away inside me. Saw the same thing in Malaya during the Emergency in the Fifties, native wallahs would get the damn-fool idea their meat’n’veg were sort of retreatin’ inside their bodies – latah they call it – thing is, in their case it was a bloody fantasy; in mine it’s a reality. My missus, well, she may be getting on but she has certain perfectly reasonable expectations: a Tory government, no one frightening the horses, no redevelopment in Hungerford High Street, Sunday afternoon rumpy-pumpy right after matins – you get the photo. When I realised I wouldn’t be able to service the old mare I got pretty antsy, I can tell you. Went to see the quack sharpish. Well, she’s only some junior harridan sporting a Harriet Harman horror mask, ain’t she. Has the bloody nerve to tell me I ought to be cutting out the sleepy Ribena and the fags at my age. My age! I explored the Lost-bloody-World and climbed the Empire State Building with my mits up Fay Wray’s jacksie so the likes of her could have free school milk. The chit wouldn’t even write me a prescription for Viagra, told me it was “contra-indicated” for a man of my age. That wasn’t going to stop me, oh no. Jimmie Wemyss, mine host at the Bald Eagle in Netheridge told me about this interweb thing, and how a chap can get anything he needs with a push of a button, so I ordered the contraption from little Freddie Dixon, and when it pitched up, he came up and got me started. Turns out you don’t even need to go looking for the stuff, there are all sorts of obliging fellows out there who send jolly emails offering Viagra, Cialis, and even this sleepy Ribena in pill form called Ambien. But before I could even divvy up the old Diners’ Club I got rather sucked into correspondence with them. I mean, I’m not lonely or anything, but the trouble and strife spends an awful amount of time with her committee work, and early February … well, the time before opening can lay heavy on a chap’s hands. Besides, when you get a tinkle out of the blue yonder headed FuckStickAmpleFloyd, or GargantuanPenisBeau, well, it’s a tonic in itself. I began writing back to Karen Knutsin, Stanislaw Baczmonski, Kumar Senthil, and all the other obliging souls out there in hyperworld. Nothing too personal, just stuff about the village, who’s breaching planning regs with his fucking dreadful conservatory, and who’s dipping his sheep in liquid MDMA then rogering ’em – harmless gossip, really. Back they come – my emails – with more exciting headings: BodyPartEnlargedShawn and BarneySchlongBroad, well, I mean, who are they when they’re at home?! If they ever are at home. I imagine they’re “hanging out” on some Thai beach or other, with a whole tribe of itty-bitty little fillies to satisfy their every urge. Natural Manhood Enhancement, Watch it bigger day by day! – that’s what they were offering me, but I preferred to keep ’em at arm’s length. I said to Giles Woode at the Cock and Bull in Bent Parva: Y’know, I’m almost grateful to that bloody Nigerian for opening up a whole new realm of experience for me – it’s something you don’t expect at my age. Turns out Giles is no stranger to PenisPlumpingCarla himself. I’d no idea that – to coin a phrase – he needed “easily to get male package”. Always assumed he’d lost it all together during the Suez Crisis. Ho-hum, another bottle of Ribena, or are you riding?

02.02.08

The mythology of airport expansion

February 13, 2008

Boris Johnson is the latest visionary to wade into the soggy morass of the Thames estuary and propose that an airport be sited there. The Tory mayoral candidate describes Heathrow as a “planning error” and proposes that it be shut down and a new London airport built to the east of the city.

I well remember my late father, Professor Peter Self, sitting on the Roskill Commission in the 1960s, although mostly because of his vivid description of going on an amphibious vehicle out to visit Foulness Island. The Commission was considering sites for a third London airport, and the Thames Estuary was on their list – only to be abandoned for Stansted because of cost considerations.

Now his old colleague on the Town and Country Planning Association is also promoting an estuarine airport, although this one might be on floating islands, rather than real ones. As for costs, at £13 billion they seem comparable to Heathrow expansion.

I suppose if these people must have a huge London airport then east is a good way to go: Heathrow is a nightmare, in terms of its banjaxed ground transport infrastructure and the daily disruption of Londoners’ lives by half a million flights a year booming over our heads and dropping tons of nitrous oxide on them. As for the likelihood of a plane coming down on the city, it doesn’t bear thinking about.

But an eastern airport won’t happen. Instead, successive governments in thrall to the aviation lobby have simply allowed Heathrow to get bigger and badder. Why? It can’t be because of the 72,000 jobs it’s estimated the airport provides. Frankly, the kind of employment offered by the likes of Gate Gourmet and Sock Shop isn’t that great, and doesn’t necessarily represent a sustainable contribution to London’s economy. Nor can it be because the additional 250,000 flights per year once the third runway is in operation will be such an earner, except for Heathrow’s retail operations and car parks.

It’s a little understood fact that the main revenue for BAA comes from these, not landing fees. Think of Heathrow as an enormous Bluewater, with customers arriving by plane, rather than as some key engine of London’s prosperity, and you’re closer to the truth. No, I think the mythology of airport expansion – and air travel itself – only has such potency as part of the worship of the market, and the ceaseless growth we devoutly believe it will bring.

Why not consider the possibility of investing that £13 billion (which will really be double that) in more sustainable forms of ground transportation such as high-speed rail to cut down on domestic flights? And why not entertain the notion – heretical, I realise – that being able to go and buy a pair of pants in Prague isn’t the only possible indication of socio-economic wellbeing?

11.02.08

Out in the cold

February 7, 2008

Read Will’s piece about the smoking ban from the Evening Standard
04.02.08

I’m not lovin’ it

January 30, 2008

Read Will’s latest Evening Standard column about McDonald’s latest attempt to ‘crawl back to respectability’ and why he won’t take his children there.

Video City, Paxman’s balls and fear of strangers

January 25, 2008

To Video City in Notting Hill Gate, a fine emporium for the rental and purchase of videocassettes and DVDs. During my brief incumbency as this newspaper’s film critic I often called on them to obtain some obscure early Kurosawa. The same staff are behind the counter as when I joined 20 years ago and they offer the same olde worlde service: on this occasion heading into their musty vaults to disinter an ancient Tom Sawyer for my young shavers.

As we trolled away, one of the boys remarked on the incongruity of the name “Video City”, and I observed that, yes, the establishment did indeed antedate the invention of the DVD. Honestly, to think that Video City now seems as august as Trumpers, the barbers, or Rigby & Peller, the corsetry specialists, it’s enough to make one feel, well, old.

***

I Cede ground to no one in my admiration for Jeremy “Rottweiler” Paxman but I fear he’s scored an own goal with his leaked email to the chief executive of M&S regarding what he terms “widespread gusset anxiety” among British men. Paxo believes that M&S pants no longer offer the support they once did to the crux of his matter, but it may be his own assets that are on the slide. It’s a touching foible of us men that while we are as sharp as a terrier when it comes to recognising the ageing process in others, we remain curiously unobservant about our own wrinkles and sags. Ask not for new pants, Jeremy, but rather new balls.

***

The Home Secretary is being castigated for stating the truth: most women in London feel uneasy walking after dark and given the choice a cab, a private car or a police protection squad will avoid doing so. That it is the policies pursued by Ms Smith’s government that have led to the deprived areas of London becoming more so is the real reason she should be pilloried. And whatever she may bleat about crime clear-up rates, most rapists are not even brought to trial.

Still, why should London be tarred with the paranoiac brush? After all, women may feel uneasy walking mean streets alone but they’re also uncomfortable on the Pennine Way. Indeed, so successful have we been in terrifying ourselves with media-created bogeymen that the old Irish saying could be paraphrased thus: “There are no strangers, only psychotic killers you haven’t met yet.”

21.01.08

Going to the dogs

January 22, 2008

Crumbling the progesterone into Cyril’s Pedigree Chum worked, and a litter of Jack Russell puppies duly arrived. Staying with Cyril’s human “owners” in the Vale of Pershore, my 10-year-old got up early and spent the morning with the little bundles of joy. He battened on to the spunkiest one of the litter, a bite-sized doglet he dubbed Maglorian. Why Maglorian? Well, the child has a considerable – and in my view, misplaced – affection for the works of J K Rowling, and apparently there’s a centaur called Magorian that lives in the Magic Forest adjacent to Hogwarts. However, Magorian, he explained, “sounds too gory”, so the “L” was inserted so that “he can be ‘Glory’ for short”.

But I wasn’t willing to call anything Glory for short – it’s either too homoerotic, or too patriotic reminiscent either of the glory holes of Manhattan’s Mineshaft in the early Eighties, or else of “Land of Hope and Glory” either way, you won’t get me wandering round south-London parks shouting “Glory!” at the top of my voice – what do you think I am, a cabinet minister? Disputes about nomenclature set to one side there was no further let or hindrance to the beast pitching up, which, a few weeks later he did. Now, my resistance to canine culture is a matter of record: not for me the shit-picking, dull-walking two-step of the tethered promenade, nor the exorbitant veterinary bills to round up sheep with a beautifully trained collie, using only a whistle and a crook is one thing, but to lower your emotional horizon to the level of these urban pavement-crawlers, selectively bred to fulfil the furry baby fantasies of the frustrated and the barren, well, that suckles.

Still, it was pointed out me, quite forcibly, that small boys need dogs, and so there was Maglorian: an itty-bitty fait accompli with tan and cream markings. Then, horror of horrors, a dreadful thing happened, the Dog Instigator had to go away for a few days leaving me in sole charge of the puppy. Well, I may be a hardhearted bastard, but I’m not a robot, and an infant is an infant, even one with a muzzle and claws. What I’m scratching at here is that – in psychoanalytic jargon – Maglorian and I both
cathected. Of course, he has imprinted me radically differently to the way I have him: to him I am a noble pack leader, scouring the horizon for the next kill, and planning how to separate the vulnerable straggler from the herd then rip its throat out whereas, to me, Maglorian’s an itty-bitty … well, I think I’ll spare you any further nausea.

My dog ownership is gifting me some new insights into the patch of town I’ve been pissing in for the past decade there’s an entire stratum of local society that I’ve previously been excluded from: the nervy lady who looks like the late Dick Emery doing a drag act, and who punctually at 9.00am walks her miniature spaniel along our road the muscular six-foot clone in the bomber jacket with the short-haired Alsatian the elderly gent who has come, inexorably, to resemble his arthritic Airedale terrier – with all of them I am now on nodding terms. Actually, I’ve always been on nodding terms with them, but now the nod is just a fraction deeper, the chin tucked down to the chest in a submissive way as we mutually acknowledge the Suzerainty of the Hound. No, it’s not the local dog people that bother me it’s the ignorant masses who coo and bill over Maglorian wherever I take him. I swear, if another femme d’un certain age, or broody couple, comes waggling up to me, speaking in baby talk, and twittering away about how sweeeet he is, I’m going to puke. Have these people no shame? Of course, I understand that they don’t really want to have dog babies any more than I do, it’s just an atavistic impulse, of the same order that makes perfectly respectable stockbrokers put on three-piece tweed suits and shoot more pheasants than they could ever possibly eat.

Perversely, although we chose Maglorian on the grounds that a small dog was better for town, the Dog Instigator has been reading up on Jack Russells, and it turns out that they are regarded as “big dogs wearing little dog suits”. I thought as much, when the five-month-old pup happily trotted along behind me for a strenuous six-mile walk. This is no lapdog to be concealed in a feminine muff (or ruff, if you’re prudish), but a noble fox terrier, a working dog, capable of tearing Vulpes vulpes apart in seconds. Good thing too – since there are plenty of foxes in this neck of the woods. Yes, as soon is Maglorian is full grown I’m going to take him out into the Magic Forest and let him bring his near-namesake to bay. A horse with a man growing out of its back? Goddamn mutants shouldn’t be allowed.

19.01.08

On the huge vats of alcohol-dependents

January 22, 2008

Wet outside it may have been, but for many Londoners January has been a dry month. Lots of people, after the excesses of the festive season, make a point of renouncing alcohol for the first gloomy part of the year. Some will find abstinence unutterably tedious and stressful, others will experience it as a mild drag, still more will be pleasurably surprised by how easy it is.

For all the public health blether that gets spouted, it remains surprising how level-headed most people are when it comes to their boozing. Most understand fine well when they’re drinking too much without having to count units. Speaking as a recovering alcoholic myself, I often think I have little useful to add to the debate. But from my own eight years’ clear-eyed observation of the tipplers that surround me, I can distil a few drops of wisdom.

First, there is the widely acknowledged truth that it’s not the quantity that is drunk that defines whether you have a problem. Mostly the reaction of the individual to what he or she drinks is the key test: alcoholics abreact to booze. On one occasion they’ll sip sherry in a civilised fashion, on the next — seemingly without rhyme or reason — they’ll end up under Hungerford Bridge swigging fortified wine.

This unpredictability is also what distinguishes the true alcoholic from those who are alcohol-dependent but haven’t yet bought the whole pathological packet. There are huge vats of such people in this country — how could it not be otherwise? Ninety per cent of British adults drink, many every day of their lives. We are an alcohol-dependent culture, relying on it as the lubricant for births, marriages, deaths and everything in between. But for the most part these citizens are not significantly more likely to develop a full-blown problem than others who barely sup.

Which brings us to the Mayor of London, who was accused last night, in Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, of drinking scotch at his Mayoral Questions at 10am one morning. A tad louche Mr Livingstone’s behaviour may have been, but there’s no way, in and of itself, that it means he’s an alcoholic. Alcohol-dependent, perhaps, but that’s quite a different thing.

Indeed, I’d suggest that the overpowering urge that some feel to judge others’ drinking habits is itself a far more alcoholic trait than mere tippling. It’s alcoholics who constantly seek to compare themselves in this way, usually selecting some skid-row type against whose excesses their own transgressions appear minimised. It’s alcoholics who are obsessed by the minutiae of units and not drinking before X o’clock — because it’s they who are unable to control themselves once they get started. Indeed, overall, the accusations against the Mayor — and the wider culture that they reflect — seem to suggest that some commentators shouldn’t merely abstain from alcohol during January but all intemperance.

21.01.08

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