Will Self

  • Books
    • Will
    • Phone
    • Shark
    • Umbrella
    • The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Prawn Cracker
    • The Undivided Self
    • Walking to Hollywood
    • Liver
    • The Butt
    • The Book Of Dave
    • Psycho Too
    • Psychogeography
    • Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
    • Dorian
    • Feeding Frenzy
    • How The Dead Live
    • Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
    • Great Apes
    • Cock And Bull
    • Grey Area
    • Junk Mail
    • My Idea Of Fun
    • Perfidious Man
    • Sore Sites
    • The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
    • The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
  • Journalism
    • The Big Issue
    • Daily Telegraph
    • Evening Standard
    • The First Post
    • GQ
    • The Guardian
    • High Life
    • Independent
    • London Review of Books
    • New Statesman
    • The New York Times
    • Observer
    • Prospect
    • The Times
    • Walk
  • Radio and Audio
  • Television
  • Appearances

Real meals: Virgin snack boxes part 2

March 11, 2016

A little under a year ago I wrote in this place about an encounter I’d had with Barry Sheerman MP and a Virgin Trains snack box on a train travelling from Manchester to London. At the time, what most bothered me about the snack box was its weird appearance: the cardboard printed with photo-real wickerwork so as to give the impression it was a sturdy hamper full of wholesome victuals ideal for a leisurely picnic lunch, rather than the flimsy packet of salty and sugary titbits Richard Branson was “giving” me for my real-life meal.

I swore at the end of my column that I would keep the hideous snack box for ever to remind me never to eat such toxic pap, but when I was tidying up my office the other day and came upon it looking just as vile – with its fake leather luggage tags that read, respectively, “Virgin Trains” and “Follow a Different Train of Thought” – I did indeed follow a different train of thought: “I happen to be going up to Manchester in a couple of days. Why don’t I take the snack box with me and, when I get there, eat it?”

Yes, yes, I know – eating the contents of a Virgin Trains snack box at my age looks like giving in to a dreadful taedium vitae, but I liked the idea of negating the entire Sheerman/Branson/snack box cluster-fuck by performing this odd little ritual; perhaps, I unreasoned, if I eat it mindfully enough I’ll succeed in flipping us all into a parallel universe where Richard Branson doesn’t exist, and where the business empire that occupies the same niches as his is branded “Promiscuous”.

OK, this is a live-action exercise – I have the snack box in front of me as I look down on the Shudehill transport interchange in central Manchester, and I’m now going to fiddle with its “leather” handles and open the damn thing.

Inside are the following:

1. One 330ml bottle of Wenlock spring water, “bottled at source for Virgin Trains”.

2. One 20g bag of Ten Acre “hand cooked crisps”.

3. One Squash Stix – a sachet of orange concentrate to be mixed, I assume, with 200ml of the Wenlock Edge.

4. One 22g bag of Cathedral City Baked Bites (mini biscuits baked with “real Cheddar”).

5. One 20g bag of yoghurt and raisin mix by the Dormen.

6. And, finally, one 22g bag of Cadbury Mini Fingers (“For the Good Times, Wherever!”).

OK, I confess: even as I was typing this list, I managed to chomp my way through the crisps and I now feel nauseous. Not that the crisps are especially revolting – it’s just that the little screed on the back of the Ten Acre bag makes distinctly queasy reading:

“Maybe you’re sitting on a train right now looking at the back of this packet, or maybe you’re relaxing on the sofa enjoying a good read . . .”

Really? Surely, if I were enjoying a good read it could only be these actual words I was reading – a reflexivity as bewildering as the whole snack box exercise itself.

Ah, well, better press on with the next course. I, for one, have never understood the thinking behind crackers infused with cheese during the baking process. Isn’t the whole point of having crackers wedded to cheese to perform the ceremony yourself, just as you marry horses to carts and eggs to bacon?

Besides, I’ve never tasted a “cheesy” cracker that was any good at all, and these Baked Bites are no exception: glazed little pucks of yuckiness I regret saving, and certainly cannot savour. I shall have to rid myself of the aftertaste with a swig of the Stix.

Yech! The Styx might well be more refreshing and even less lethal-tasting. A E Housman maintained that “On Wenlock Edge the wood’s in trouble”; and now that I’ve got this Wenlock Edge inside me, my belly feels like a big bowl of wrong.

I’ll press on to the dessert course and hope that out of sweetness will come forth the strength necessary to complete this gruelling trial. The yoghurt and raisin mix from the Dormen consists of raisins cowled with some sort of dairy goo. They aren’t particularly offensive; indeed, arguably the Dormen is being a responsible victualler in this age of obesity by handing out only 20g of these powerfully moreish sweetmeats at a time. I’ve been known to eat kilos of the bloody things when I’m at the cinema, which leaves me feeling sullied and my fingers tacky.

An appropriate condition, you might say, in which to tackle the Cadbury’s Mini Fingers. The claim “For the Good Times, Wherever!” suggests that a brace of these niblets would make a suitable final meal for an inmate on death row about to be wrongfully executed.

I don’t know whether Cadbury’s is using more substandard chocolate and cocoa mass than the Dormen, but the Fingers are the first thing from the snack box that has both looked and tasted not quite right. Nor does the “Brain Teaser Time”, a set of simple puzzles printed on the inside of the snack box, appeal to me.

Overall, the entire experience was at once desultory and . . . fascinating. Although I’m now suffering from dyspepsia and lassitude, most of the snacks were as fresh as the day they were manufactured – rather like Richard Branson.

Will’s Latest Book

Will Self - Elaine
Will Self's latest book Elaine will be published in hardback by Grove on September 5 2024 in the UK and September 17 2024 in the USA.

You can pre-order at Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Will’s Previous Books

Will Self - Will
Will
More info
Amazon.co.uk

  Will Self - Phone
Phone
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Shark
Shark
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Umbrella
Umbrella
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
More info
Amazon.co.uk
  Walking To Hollywood
Walking To Hollywood
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Butt
The Butt
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Grey Area
Grey Area
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Junk Mail
Junk Mail
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Great Apes
Great Apes
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Cock And Bull
Cock And Bull
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Sweet Smell Of Psychosis
The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
More info

Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  My Idea Of Fun
My Idea Of Fun
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Book Of Dave
The Book Of Dave
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Psychogeography
Psychogeography
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Psycho Too
Psycho II
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Liver
Liver
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
How The Dead Live
How The Dead Live
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Dorian
Dorian
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Feeding Frenzy
Feeding Frenzy
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Sore Sites
Sore Sites
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Perfidious Man
Perfidious Man
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Undivided Self
The Undivided Self
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Bloomsbury  
Penguin

About / Contact

will-self.com is the official website for British novelist and journalist Will Self. The site is managed by Chris Hall and Chris Mitchell.

If you want to get in touch, you can email us at info@will-self.com

All email will be read, but we can’t guarantee a response.

PR agencies, please DO NOT put this email address on any mailing lists.

If you have a specific request for Will regarding commissions, book rights etc, you can contact his agent via agent@will-self.com

Will’s Writing Room

Will's Writing Room
– a 360 degree view in 71 photos

Recent Posts

  • Will Self’s new novel: Elaine
  • Berwick literary festival October 12
  • BONUS: Martin Amis in conversation with Will Self (2010)
  • My obsession with Adrian Chiles’ column
  • Why Read in Tunbridge Wells
  • The mind-bending fiction of Mircea Cartarescu
  • ‘The Queen is dead – and let’s try to keep it that way’
  • Why Read to be published in November
  • On the Road with Penguin Classics
  • The British Monarchy Should Die With the Queen

© 2005–2025 · Will Self · All Rights Reserved