Will Self

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Boomtown stats

May 14, 2008

Last time I was in Dublin, Vivian drove me round in a big black Merc; this time it’s a still bigger and blacker Chrysler. “I should’ve bought a cement truck,” he observes, as we ooze past the Point, a massive new shopping-cum-entertainment complex that’s sprouting a small forest of large cranes. “I’d be coining it now.” Last time I was in Dublin, the old city seemed teetering on the edge of being metropolitan – now it’s fallen over. Last time I was in Dublin, the joke was the group of three pyramidical office blocks on the bank of the Liffey that were known locally as “Canary Dwarf”; now it’s them that have been dwarfed – or, at any rate, flanked by acre upon acre of plate glass and steel.

The day I was in town, things looked to be going well for the egregious Bono, and his partner in development, the Edge. Their plans to have Norman Foster revamp their Clarence Hotel – also on the banks of Holy Liffey – were flowing through the planning board meeting, and despite some sour remarks from a local conservationist, Michael Smith, who described the proposed building as a “cannibalistic behemoth”, it looked as if they’d get the go-ahead.

I couldn’t get excited about the new hotel – but then, who can? Show me someone who’s excited about a new hotel, and I’ll show you a raving eejit with the soul of a shebeen-keeper. Vivian drove Cormac and I out to the Royal Hospital in Kilmainham, not, you appreciate, because we were old soldiers who needed taking care of, but because the historic building (complete in 1684, two years before the Royal Hospital in Chelsea), is now home to the Irish Museum of Modern Art. We were going to see an exhibition of William Burroughs’ shotgun painting, bizarrely juxtaposed with examples of Hans Christian Andersen’s beau coupage. Hmm.

The paintings were shite, basically, any old junkie with a shotgun could’ve pulled it off, but more importantly there was one of Burroughs and Brion Gysin’s original “dream-catching” machines. The whirligigs of light and motion that the two writers believed put them in touch with the noumenal world. I’m already hot-wired to this, but Peter – who we’d picked up en route – was a tad dismissive: “It’s basically a Lava Lamp,” he said, but I came back at him, “What’s wrong with Lava Lamps? I love Lava Lamps; in fact, I love Lava Lamps more than I love people.” Incidentally, the Andersen cut-outs were quite pretty.

In the bowels of the ancient building, where James Connolly was held for a time after the Easter Rising until the Brits got round to executing him, we chanced upon a potent symbol of Ireland, old and new: a photo-real image of a man’s hands cradling a rugby ball made from the hide of a living cow, complete with several teats. “It makes me feel queasy just looking at it,” Cormac said, but I caught the hint of desire in his tone.

Last time I was in Dublin, the European Union heads of state were there; this time it was José Manuel Barroso, President of the European Commission. Barroso was intent on selling the benefits of a new World Trade Agreement, but the Irish farming community weren’t so sure; they’d come up from the sticks in force, and as Cormac and I reached Heuston Station there they were, florid-faced men in tweed, their fingers itching to grab the teats on a living rugby ball.

This was to be the highpoint of my visit: last time I was in Dublin, the traffic was all snarled up because they were building the track for the new light railway, the Luas, but now it was done and we were to take a ride. “It wasn’t open two days,” Cormac said, “and they were calling it the Daniel Day.” The Daniel Day hove into view, all shiny and new, but still, unmistakably … “Look, Cormac,” I told him, “I don’t know how to break this to you, but that’s a tram.”

We rode the tram into Jervis, by the Four Courts, and then crossed the James Joyce Bridge to the other side of the Liffey. At least, I think it was the James Joyce Bridge; it could’ve been the Samuel Beckett Bridge, or the Jonathan Swift Bridge, or the Flann O’Brien Bridge. At the rate they’re going with these writerly Dublin bridges, they’ll have one for old Maeve Binchy ‘n’ all. Still, if they know how to honour their writers in Ireland, they also know how to honour their painters. After all, Francis Bacon’s London studio was painstakingly dismantled, crated, shipped, and then reassembled in a Dublin art gallery.

It’s the same with smoking. That night we dined in a small bistro where an outside area had been equally painstakingly contrived to look like a room, complete with walls, carpeted floor, and an almost ceiling. Space heaters kept us warm as we puffed, supped and munched. Last time I’d been in Dublin, it had been … exactly the same. Pure genius, indeed.

03.05.08

To see Ralph Steadman’s accompanying artwork, visit here

Will’s Latest Book

Will Self - Elaine
Will Self's latest book Elaine will be published in hardback by Grove on September 5 2024 in the UK and September 17 2024 in the USA.

You can pre-order at Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Will’s Previous Books

Will Self - Will
Will
More info
Amazon.co.uk

  Will Self - Phone
Phone
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Shark
Shark
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Umbrella
Umbrella
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
More info
Amazon.co.uk
  Walking To Hollywood
Walking To Hollywood
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Butt
The Butt
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Grey Area
Grey Area
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Junk Mail
Junk Mail
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Great Apes
Great Apes
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Cock And Bull
Cock And Bull
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Sweet Smell Of Psychosis
The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
More info

Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  My Idea Of Fun
My Idea Of Fun
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Book Of Dave
The Book Of Dave
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Psychogeography
Psychogeography
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Psycho Too
Psycho II
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Liver
Liver
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
How The Dead Live
How The Dead Live
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Dorian
Dorian
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Feeding Frenzy
Feeding Frenzy
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Sore Sites
Sore Sites
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Perfidious Man
Perfidious Man
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Undivided Self
The Undivided Self
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Bloomsbury  
Penguin

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