Will Self

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Fly, Bird

March 23, 2007

John Bird, the founder of the Big Issue, has resisted the siren call of the Tories and come out as an independent candidate for the 2008 Mayoral elections. I’m delighted. And delighted, too, that he’s standing at all. The London electorate desperately need some fresh blood on the local political scene, and most especially a challenger to the newt-fancying incumbent, who’s beginning to take on the mantle of an Estuarine Fidel Castro, such is his unopposed longevity in office.

I never seriously thought Bird would take up the Conservative candidacy. He may have some Essex Man, knee-jerk opinions, but the policies he limned out in his interview in yesterday’s Standard warrant serious consideration. He’s right to stress the vital need to break down the ghettoisation that fosters crime, and he’s right to insist on more social housing. He’s right, also, that the clone high streets are making London unliveable, and he’s put a lot of effort into his Wedge card, designed to promote local shops.

Particularly canny was Bird’s full audit for the congestion charge, and a commitment to ask its critics what they would put in its place – if anything. But most significant was his claim that he has many backers in the City. Make no bones about it, while Livingstone may have got the popular vote, his ability to make any policy while Mayor has been contingent on wooing the Square Mile.

Increasingly, the City is London’s biggest employer, and the international financial mavens the paymasters for civic investment. It’s always been the Tories’ desire to find a candidate who can yoke big business to the ballot box, but ever since “Two Shags” Norris was rubbed out by a smear of lubricity, no one has come forward to fit the bill.

In a way, the Tories should stop looking for a businessman-hipster like Branson to be their candidate. I doubt the wisdom of this. While we Londoners may accept the reality of our economy, we don’t want it shoved in our faces by having a multimillionaire mayor. There’s no reason why the City can’t be encouraged to practise inward investment by a maverick like Bird.

If I were Cameron and his Notting Hill pseuds, I’d be worried by Bird’s campaign. Londoners may have given Ken the crown in part to cock a snook at the Thatcherites – and their Blairite heirs – who hobbled city government for so long. But the wind is changing now. Bird says a non-partisan mayor would be a good thing for the capital and I agree. Let him be our own, noble Mercutio, and cry out: “A pox on both their houses!”

***

A social whirl for us pariahs

Lounging outside a central London restaurant the other night having a fag, I was musing on how this was the shape of things to come, when I fell into conversation with a fellow pariah. He’d just been on a speed-dating evening and was still wearing his sticker.

Had it gone well? I asked, and he launched into an explanation of the whole process, followed by some witty and self-deprecating remarks on his love life. Soon enough, he’d flicked his own butt and returned inside, but I was left with the impression that I’d had a worthwhile – even intimate – encounter, and all in less than four minutes.

Could this speed socialising also be the shape of things to come?

I’ve long contended that most dinner parties could usefully be over within quarter of an hour, while even full-scale balls needn’t top the hour mark. It seems unfair that following the new ban it should only be us diehard smokers who benefit from such glancing, yet profound, encounters. I look forward to a time when everyone lounges in the street, only popping inside occasionally to earnestly debate global warming, or trade the latest gossip.

***

Classy Cate is no Iron Lady

The news that Cate Blanchett is being considered for the role of the young Baroness Thatcher in The Iron Lady, a film of 17 days in the run-up to the Falklands War, fills me with a deep gloom. As a schoolboy in Finchley I met Thatcher, our local MP, on several occasions, and I have to say I always found the idea that she radiated a deep – and even sexual – charisma to be unfathomable. Only screwed-up old Tory men, with dominatrix nanny complexes, could possibly have been aroused by her steely coif and mean features.

Blanchett, on the other hand, is bright, beautiful and unaffected. I know every actor worth her salt wants to increase her range but I beg of you, Cate, don’t do it, lest the Thatcher sourness rubs off on you.

22.03.07

Will’s Latest Book

Will Self - Elaine
Will Self's latest book Elaine will be published in hardback by Grove on September 5 2024 in the UK and September 17 2024 in the USA.

You can pre-order at Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Will’s Previous Books

Will Self - Will
Will
More info
Amazon.co.uk

  Will Self - Phone
Phone
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Shark
Shark
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Umbrella
Umbrella
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
More info
Amazon.co.uk
  Walking To Hollywood
Walking To Hollywood
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Butt
The Butt
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Grey Area
Grey Area
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Junk Mail
Junk Mail
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Great Apes
Great Apes
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Cock And Bull
Cock And Bull
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Sweet Smell Of Psychosis
The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
More info

Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  My Idea Of Fun
My Idea Of Fun
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Book Of Dave
The Book Of Dave
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Psychogeography
Psychogeography
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Psycho Too
Psycho II
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Liver
Liver
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
How The Dead Live
How The Dead Live
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Dorian
Dorian
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Feeding Frenzy
Feeding Frenzy
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Sore Sites
Sore Sites
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Perfidious Man
Perfidious Man
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Undivided Self
The Undivided Self
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Bloomsbury  
Penguin

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