Will Self

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Social Plumbing

January 12, 2006

Congratulations to Higher Education Minister Bill Rammell who’s had the guts to admit that the Government are considering ‘social engineering’ policies to ensure that more state school pupils enter university. A predictable tirade of abuse has followed from educationalists in the so-called ‘independent’ sector. These people aren’t independent from anything – they represent nothing more or less than long-entrenched privilege: the privilege of money, the privilege of class and nepotism. Up until twenty years ago great swathes of places at Oxbridge were ‘tied scholarships’ open only to public school students, and in my day it was commonplace to see these chinless thickos toppling over outside their colleges because they were unable to tie their own shoelaces.

People seem to forget that the whole reason we live in a remotely egalitarian society is because of the introduction of universal, competitive examinations to universities and the civil service. The last bastions of privilege, whereby hugely disproportionate numbers of mediocre young people are promoted above their intelligence and ability, need to be engaged with forcibly by any Government in the social democratic tradition.

Still, what a pity Mr Rammell and his colleagues don’t also have the courage to apply social engineering where it’s really needed. I’ve got a couple of radical ideas that might help to level the higher education playing field. One of them is ‘grants’ – these would be a universal, free benefit available to anyone going to university. The ‘grants’ would be allocated on the basis of need with the parents of students being means tested. Crazy, huh? Another idea is ‘social housing’, this is low-cost housing built at a local level with central government finance. An adequate provision of this means that disadvantaged families can nurture the university students of tomorrow without being in hock to interest rates.

I’ve got other, wild ideas as well – like a properly enforced ‘minimum wage’, which means that menial jobs aren’t done by economic migrants, in turn driving down the wages of other working people. Oh, and there are these things called ‘apprenticeships’, which some countries, I understand, have in great numbers. Because, Mr Rammell, the mere possession of a degree in Media Studies from the University of Former-Poly doesn’t guarantee anyone a middle class lifestyle with all the bells and whistles. Unless we want an entire nation of unemployed advertising copywriters, unable to pay off their student loans, there needs to be other forms of social engineering besides jiggling the goalposts for tertiary education. Unfortunately such policies would nudge ‘social’ back towards ‘ism’. Not a happy suffix, eh Bill?

Will’s Latest Book

Will Self - Elaine
Will Self's latest book Elaine will be published in hardback by Grove on September 5 2024 in the UK and September 17 2024 in the USA.

You can pre-order at Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Will’s Previous Books

Will Self - Will
Will
More info
Amazon.co.uk

  Will Self - Phone
Phone
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Shark
Shark
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Umbrella
Umbrella
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
More info
Amazon.co.uk
  Walking To Hollywood
Walking To Hollywood
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Butt
The Butt
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Grey Area
Grey Area
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Junk Mail
Junk Mail
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Great Apes
Great Apes
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Cock And Bull
Cock And Bull
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Sweet Smell Of Psychosis
The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
More info

Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  My Idea Of Fun
My Idea Of Fun
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Book Of Dave
The Book Of Dave
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Psychogeography
Psychogeography
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Psycho Too
Psycho II
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Liver
Liver
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
How The Dead Live
How The Dead Live
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Dorian
Dorian
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Feeding Frenzy
Feeding Frenzy
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Sore Sites
Sore Sites
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Perfidious Man
Perfidious Man
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Undivided Self
The Undivided Self
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
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