Will Self

  • Books
    • Will
    • Phone
    • Shark
    • Umbrella
    • The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Prawn Cracker
    • The Undivided Self
    • Walking to Hollywood
    • Liver
    • The Butt
    • The Book Of Dave
    • Psycho Too
    • Psychogeography
    • Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
    • Dorian
    • Feeding Frenzy
    • How The Dead Live
    • Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
    • Great Apes
    • Cock And Bull
    • Grey Area
    • Junk Mail
    • My Idea Of Fun
    • Perfidious Man
    • Sore Sites
    • The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
    • The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
  • Journalism
    • The Big Issue
    • Daily Telegraph
    • Evening Standard
    • The First Post
    • GQ
    • The Guardian
    • High Life
    • Independent
    • London Review of Books
    • New Statesman
    • The New York Times
    • Observer
    • Prospect
    • The Times
    • Walk
  • Radio and Audio
  • Television
  • Appearances

Foggy Weather

November 27, 2005

Foggy Weather

We no longer suffer the ‘London particulars’ which up until the Clean Air Acts bit in the 1960s laid up tens of thousands every winter with acute respiratory illness; instead we have a strange miasma of hypochondria which descends upon the metropolis once the mercury begins to fall. This season’s outbreak has been set off by anxiety about bird flu. Knowing full well that the standard flu vaccine is no protection against its deadly viral cousin, and never having had a flu jab before in their lives, flocks of ‘worried well’ have descended on their GPs intent on a shot in the wing.

None of them is in the high-risk categories of the over-65s or those with illnesses that compromise their immune systems, instead they’ve ligged the vaccine on the grounds that they’re ‘carers’ – ie ‘parents’ – when this designation should only apply to those whose primary role is to tend to the chronically sick and disabled.

Now the doctors are aggrieved. For years now they’ve been struggling to get people to take up the flu jab – so they couldn’t believe their luck when they looked out and saw the waiting room was packed. They accuse the Government of not stockpiling enough vaccine, while Patricia Hewitt slates them for chucking hypodermics about as if they were drunken darts players.

Really, it’s the age-old spectacle of the proverbial bald men fighting over a hair-regenerating comb. There are two problems with the NHS that are continually being conflated. One is the general perception that the speedy advance of medical technology can cure us from every ill, the other is our profound unwillingness to pay more taxes for an improved service. The spectacle of the Prime Minister being given a rough ride this week by the Public Accounts Committee over his plans for healthcare reform was a laughable diversion. It doesn’t matter whether NHS trusts are structured as ‘service providers’ or ‘service contractors’, they still won’t have enough dosh to give everyone who wants it cosmetic surgery, a bionic arm and a nurse in constant attendance.

Sir Bufton-Tufton

Matthew Wilson, the Managing Director of Essaywriter.co.uk, is a shameless fellow. This week he defended his company’s business of providing 30,000 undergraduate and A-level students with ‘bespoke’ essays at £239 a pop. According to him, many of his clients are foreign students who, having coughed up their fees, are having difficulties because they’re ‘unsupported’. Hell, he’s only fulfilling the resulting demand for well-written course work like a good capitalist.

What Wilson doesn’t grasp is that examination standards – like immunological protections – depend for their application on universal uptake. His 30,000 cheats – and that’s what they are – destroy the validity of other, honest students’ labours. However, what his remarks do highlight is the extent to which our universities are being turned into sausage machines which churn out graduates who have little or no interest in what they’ve studied. Nowadays you can’t be considered for all sorts of jobs unless you have a quite inappropriate degree, and cash-strapped universities are only too willing to crank the handle.

The abolition of grants and the professionalisation of higher education are creating an entire generation of young people who are not only uncultured, but positively anti-cultured. In my day, students either worked hard because they loved the subject, or lay around smoking dope and listening to Pink Floyd albums. Neither group would’ve dreamed of ‘buying’ an essay, because we understood that while academic success was desirable there is also such a thing as well-cultivated failure.

A la recherche du Science Museum perdu

Who needs a time machine when you have the Science Museum? Entering the great hall of the museum on Sunday afternoon with my four-year-old son I found my cynical old eyes filling with tears, as the years fell away and I was once again a stripling staring at the mighty Newcomen steam engine. Usually the city taunts me with its ability to change without my noticing. Suddenly a huge new glass barn appears and I have no recollection of what was there before. But at the Science Museum the vast engines of the Industrial Revolution remain in exactly the same places that they were 40 years ago, while surrounding them are brand new ramps, railings and a humungous gift emporium. My little boy tripped gaily off towards the rocketry exhibition, while I tottered behind pierced by time’s arrow.

Back to the Holocene

The Somerset House Ice Rink opened last night, and this year there’s a new feature – an ‘ice wall’ for urbanites who wish to experience truly glacial conditions. Despite the looming cold snap, London’s lust for skating cannot be fulfilled by natural means, so more and more of these artificial rinks are springing up. Personally I like a good glissade, but I remain acutely aware of the irony that the power required to generate the rinks is contributing to the global warming which will ‘switch off’ the Gulf Stream and so plunge us into a new ice age. Sliding to disaster indeed.

Life Is But a Stage

Marlowe’s Tamburlaine at the Barbican last week, Sarah Kane’s Phaedra’s Love at the same venue on Monday. Tonight I’ll be at the National for Ibsen’s Pillars of the Community. My theatre jag is getting out of hand, after 20 years when I hardly went at all I’m gobbling at the live performance trough like a pretentious pig. I stopped going to the theatre in the 1980s because I couldn’t suspend disbelief in the performers – whoever they were pretending to be I saw them as actors. Now it’s all gone arsy-versy and it’s real life I find increasingly incredible, while Tamburlaine’s blood-soaked progress seems only too real.

23.11.05

Will’s Latest Book

Will Self - Elaine
Will Self's latest book Elaine will be published in hardback by Grove on September 5 2024 in the UK and September 17 2024 in the USA.

You can pre-order at Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Will’s Previous Books

Will Self - Will
Will
More info
Amazon.co.uk

  Will Self - Phone
Phone
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Shark
Shark
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Umbrella
Umbrella
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
More info
Amazon.co.uk
  Walking To Hollywood
Walking To Hollywood
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Butt
The Butt
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Grey Area
Grey Area
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Junk Mail
Junk Mail
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Great Apes
Great Apes
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Cock And Bull
Cock And Bull
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Sweet Smell Of Psychosis
The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
More info

Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  My Idea Of Fun
My Idea Of Fun
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Book Of Dave
The Book Of Dave
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Psychogeography
Psychogeography
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Psycho Too
Psycho II
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Liver
Liver
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
How The Dead Live
How The Dead Live
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Dorian
Dorian
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Feeding Frenzy
Feeding Frenzy
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Sore Sites
Sore Sites
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Perfidious Man
Perfidious Man
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Undivided Self
The Undivided Self
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Bloomsbury  
Penguin

About / Contact

will-self.com is the official website for British novelist and journalist Will Self. The site is managed by Chris Hall and Chris Mitchell.

If you want to get in touch, you can email us at info@will-self.com

All email will be read, but we can’t guarantee a response.

PR agencies, please DO NOT put this email address on any mailing lists.

If you have a specific request for Will regarding commissions, book rights etc, you can contact his agent via agent@will-self.com

Will’s Writing Room

Will's Writing Room
– a 360 degree view in 71 photos

Recent Posts

  • Will Self’s new novel: Elaine
  • Berwick literary festival October 12
  • BONUS: Martin Amis in conversation with Will Self (2010)
  • My obsession with Adrian Chiles’ column
  • Why Read in Tunbridge Wells
  • The mind-bending fiction of Mircea Cartarescu
  • ‘The Queen is dead – and let’s try to keep it that way’
  • Why Read to be published in November
  • On the Road with Penguin Classics
  • The British Monarchy Should Die With the Queen

© 2005–2025 · Will Self · All Rights Reserved