Will Self

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On Umbrella’s US publication

January 11, 2013

This will be the first major publication of one of my books in the US that I haven’t crossed the pond for – and so salutations to my American readers; I write to you from my London fastness, tucked up snugly at the top of my 1848 house in sarf London, looking across the rooftops to where Renzo Piano’s Shard upthrusts, a teasing A la recherche de priapisme perdu. I have mixed feelings about not making it over – I am, of course, a demi-American on the maternal side, and hold a US passport, so the States is not so much close to me as engrafted. On the other hand, if I have any nationality at all, it’s Londonish, and the older I get, the less I like to stray.

Family matters ostensibly keep me here in London, but there’s also a part of me that sees the author tour – when mediated by jet fuel – as something of a solecism. Surely the entire point of being a writer is to reach people with your words, not your breath? Certainly that’s what attracted me to being a writer in the first place: what thrilled me about reading was that in the medium of the text I met with another sensibility decoupled from all contingent factors – sex, age, ethnicity, class – and so experienced the purest and most intimate comingling possible.

In my experience, meeting the writers you admire is almost always a disappointment – how can it not be? – and I wonder why it is that more people don’t feel that way. Here in the YooKay (a mostly fictional land), the old-style bookshop readings have been replaced by a myriad of book festivals, and really this is only because serried municipalities have figured out that, as desperate writers will do almost anything for no money whatsoever, it’s a cheap way of inculcating their miserable and isolate burghs with a little kulturkampf. They are immensely popular – these BritLitFests – and have become the Nuremberg rallies of the contemporary bourgeoisie. I cordially loathe most of them …

Still, at least they afford me the opportunity of reading publically to a lot of potential readers (even if most of them are there to see the latest celebrity egg-flipper, and just came along faut de mieux), whereas, apart from back in the day when I was an enfant terrible – instead of a grotty middle-aged man – my readings Stateside have mostly been to handfuls of buck-toothed teens in Barnes & Nobles marooned in out-of-town strip malls …

So, much better I stay here and do what I do best: crack on with the next book, a strange sort of sequel to Umbrella. In Umbrella, Dr Zack Busner mentions an incident with the foolhardy use of LSD in his Willesden Concept House (he says it was three years before, ie 1968, but his memory deceives him – the bad trip in fact took place in May 1970, the same day as the Kent State shootings). Anyway, I think you can probably guess the direction my wayward fictive sensibility is taking … back to the future for Busner’s next appearance in Shark.

Very best,

Will Self

Dream 18

August 29, 2012

That William Empson should be there was, perhaps, less surprising than his demeanour, which was courtly yet randy, frayed but impressive. He sat in the dugout held fast in the earth’s shivery embrace, his hands fidgeting with pen, paper, cigarette, small fetish items – a signet ring, a netsuke.

He wore wire-framed spectacles that I thought I recalled from old photographs – but I could’ve been wrong about this, and besides that that there should be a certain penumbra of ambiguity surrounding him seemed only fitting. Fitting it was too that he wrote and thought and smoked and wrote again. Ken Morse supplying the rostrum camera, my eyes tracked across the floor of the dugout, which was covered with six inches of pellucid water. Down there on the impacted mud floor lay a Stylophone, an iPhone, and old Bakelite phone with the rows of buttons needed for a switchboard – all of them were clearly in working order. My youngest daughter was there as well; aged nine, painfully beautiful – I cried upon looking at her beauty. Beauty and fear.

Dream 16

August 20, 2012

Up they come the man and the boys – up they come. Up they come, the man and the boys – stepping lightly, the cuffs of their trousers flicking at bracken and thistles: twill against barbs and fronds. No contest.

Up they come, the man clearly the father, his sandy hair and carefully arranged features would in themselves indicate a certain sureness – in class, its privileges, in breeding – but this is compounded by the boys: versions of himself at 10 and 14, the unformed versions of his face only serving to emphasise how complete and well-made he is. And besides, they move as one – as dancers do in chorus; they move as one and retrievers frolic around their gaiters; they move as one and then there are the guns: a big double bore 12-gauge for daddy, a smaller shotgun for the adolescent, a tiny scaled-down one for the child. They carry the guns as props – broken over their feed arms. Such a congruence of limb and stock and barrel, such a harmony of purposeful acculturation – there should be a Stubbs on hand to paint them, and a Landseer nearby to do the same for whatever it is they might kill. Instead there’s only me with my two younger sons – me watching and paralysed with envy. We had been proud, that morning, putting on our own tweed jackets, buckling on our own gaiters – we had thought ourselves the finest of figs, altogether comme il faut – but now looking upon this spiffing trio, their tweed jackets patently bespoke, the pockets, collars and revettes faced with soft brown leather, we’re exposed for the middle-class cheapies we truly are – and so this strange coincidence of men and boys and dogs and tweed on the morning moor goes unremarked – for we stay silent, cowering in the bracken, knowing our place as they go by, heads held high.

Dream 15

August 13, 2012

The matter of my relationship with Max’s widow has to be addressed, so, although I have never met her I arrange to spend a couple of months in the Central European town where I know she lives.

It is a cold and fusty place: a network of dirty snow-choked alleys and partitioned rooms in which oil stoves distort and dirty the atmosphere of ersatz coffee, useless sedition and antisemitism poorly understood by those who espouse it – as they’ve never met a Jew. I do not reveal myself, when we meet, as a devotee of Max’s writings who has obsessively read and reread his works to the point where their otherworldly cadences have suborned my own feebler rhythms. She is younger and thinner than I imagined – all brown bangs, bitten nails, thick glasses in cheap plastic frames. When, after mutually disappointing lovemaking, I reveal myself – we are squabbling over rights to the thin candlewick bedspread – she asks only this: that I do not profane Max’s memory. And so I won’t.

Dream 14

August 10, 2012

The Buckminster Fuller reverie needs must be recounted – it is so full of the sweetness of life, an ineffable sweetness compounded from lost love of all fathers, brothers, kind paternalists who might once have sheltered me from the truth: life breaks off your penis at the haft.

My oldest brother – not the eldest – and I go to see Buckminster Fuller who’s living in a house that synthesises Arts and Crafts with Frank Lloyd Wright: wide eaves, a series of grassy terraces declining to an overgrown sunken garden and a copse of silver birches. We have my youngest son with us, and while we go to talk with Fuller, he goes to play in the open air. I wish I could go with him – Fuller is welcoming enough and offers us sherry or tea, as we please, but his study-cum-drawing room is dusty in the afternoon sunlight, with piles of old papers on every available surface and a great number of dusty pot plants here and there on ugly japonicas or else mouldering the surfaces of Melamine phonograph cabinets. Why are we there? It’s unclear, but I think has something to do with family: with the interest so many of us – males at least – take in the built environment. Fuller talks to us about those of his predictions that – in his estimation – were right and those that were wrong. When I go to find the child in the garden, the birdsong is explosively loud, while the small white space shuttle arcs across the high blue sky and I … cry.

Dream 13

August 8, 2012

Impressed by this young man, the author of a book critiquing the demonisation of the British working class, I follow him into the gothic revival church on the Gloucester Road. I used to live in this area! I call after him – but he cannot hear me.

The interior of the church has been partitioned off with plywood into a series of exhibition areas that are connected by narrow walkways and crawlspaces. I try to reach the young man – who I find attractive – but there is a crowd of Japanese tourists coming in the other direction: young women in plaid skirts, white blouses and with Hello Kitty satchels slung about their narrow shoulders. I have to crush myself against the partition so that they can squeeze past me. Finally I reach the space that approximates to the altar, but there’s no sign of the young man, only a mound of cattle dung, a botheration of flies, some torn up physics textbooks. From the direction of the Cromwell Road there comes the snarling retort of a motorcycle engine.

Dream 12

August 5, 2012

A former candidate for the Tory leadership and I bare-knuckle box beside the Watts Towers in LA. His profile – plump, sweaty, vinous – looks absurd against the spiralling ironwork, but he punches hard, and the crowd gasps as he lands blow after blow on me. We clinch, and the clinch becomes an embrace – we are having sex under a floral-patterned duvet, downtown in the garment district. He cracks a popper under my nose and everything goes blue and then black.

Dream 11

August 3, 2012

At the Scots service station there’s a Korean restaurant serving pickles and strips of grilled beef – also a large bookstore reminiscent of Powell’s in Portland, Oregon: long, high shafts stratified with a great lode of books, and a pervasive smell of fresh paper and ink.

The family go off to find the toilets and I walk the dog along the grassy berm beside the petrol station. He throws himself on his back on the grass and wriggles. I kneel down and pin him by his paws, he says: Will we be staying the night here? And I realise that although he has always talked, until now I’ve been unprepared to acknowledge it. My wonderment is at my own denial – not the dog’s speech, but while I am lost in this emotion – which feels exalted, aerial, multicoloured – the dog slips his lead and runs away between the cars and scampers across the road. Frantic to find him, I tramp through the gardens of suburban houses, cucumber frames and raspberry canes snapping and cracking beneath my feet. I find the dog in a greenhouse; he has become a small Korean woman wearing a cheap black nylon suit and a white nylon blouse. He cowers and speaks to me… unintelligibly.

 

Dream 10

August 1, 2012

The cars are parked behind a corrugated iron fence – an old humped Saab, a broad and finned Ford Zephyr estate, and a Citroën DS. The DS is mine – or at least I have the use of it. I certainly used to have a car like this. The fence surrounds a muddy islet, its ragged edge bridging small embayments against which the still muddier waters of the lagoon lap.

Every time I touch the DS it quivers and slips sideways on the mud – leaning through the driver window, I accidentally knock the dash-mounted gear lever, and the large, black, flopping body of the car slithers across the surface, dragging me with it. The car slowly and sleekly insinuates itself under the fence and we are wallowing in the lagoon, the DS and I. Friends arrive back from some juke-joint, the sounds of zydeco floating in their perfumed hair as the process, silhouetted along the bayou by the setting sun. They carry jam jars full of fireflies tied to sticks – they are happy. They stop to point and laugh at me, as I slop about hopelessly with the car – I try to make the best of it, climbing on to the bonnet to take a bow, sliding off with a splash, while trying to make it look … intentional.

Dream 9

July 30, 2012

I happen to be there for the death of S – we argued once, and I have never forgotten or forgiven. He had grown monstrously fat while moribund, and now dollops of his corpse protrude from the windows of the squat, quaint old house. The undertakers, the family, ambulance and fire crews all stand around scratching their heads – what is to be done? The house will need to be dismantled to get him out. I feel my own mind to be beautifully organised – all my thoughts and feelings about S are perfectly arrayed, I’ve only to sit down on a ledge and write out his obituary. The newspaper print it in facsimile – in the original Biro.

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Will’s Latest Book

Will Self - Elaine
Will Self's latest book Elaine will be published in hardback by Grove on September 5 2024 in the UK and September 17 2024 in the USA.

You can pre-order at Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Will’s Previous Books

Will Self - Will
Will
More info
Amazon.co.uk

  Will Self - Phone
Phone
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Shark
Shark
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Umbrella
Umbrella
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A Prawn Cracker
More info
Amazon.co.uk
  Walking To Hollywood
Walking To Hollywood
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Butt
The Butt
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Grey Area
Grey Area
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Junk Mail
Junk Mail
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Great Apes
Great Apes
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Cock And Bull
Cock And Bull
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
The Quantity Theory Of Insanity
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Sweet Smell Of Psychosis
The Sweet Smell of Psychosis
More info

Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  My Idea Of Fun
My Idea Of Fun
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
The Book Of Dave
The Book Of Dave
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Psychogeography
Psychogeography
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Psycho Too
Psycho II
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Liver
Liver
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
How The Dead Live
How The Dead Live
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
Dr Mukti And Other Tales Of Woe
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Dorian
Dorian
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Feeding Frenzy
Feeding Frenzy
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  Sore Sites
Sore Sites
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Perfidious Man
Perfidious Man
More info
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
  The Undivided Self
The Undivided Self
More info Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
Bloomsbury  
Penguin

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